Dear Mrs G, I'm depressed. I've lost my job, my wife's left me, and my dog's died. What can I do?
Depressed of Preston
Mrs G replies: Get yourself down to Mrs Greasy's Cafe right away. A good plate of mashed potato is guaranteed to cheer you up! And bear this in mind: there's always someone worse off than you. Remember, you don't have to live next door to Noel Edmonds!
Dear Mrs G, everybody says I'm stingey. This simply isn't true, I just hate spending money. Now where can I find a tasty selection of food for the lowest possible price?
Stingey of Staines
Mrs G replies: Get yourself down to Mrs Greasy's Cafe. You'll find a mouthwatering selection of yummy food at bargain prices! For example, you can try one of my meat pies for an outrageously low £2.50! But please remember, money isn't everything. Well, actually it is.
I think I'm married to Michael Caine
Dear Mrs G, I've been married to my husband for fifteen years, but recently he's started saying 'My name is Michael Caine. Not a lot of people know that' all the time. I never knew this before. Does this mean I'm married to Michael Caine? P.S. Last week when my Mini exploded he exclaimed, 'You're only supposed to blow the b***** doors off!!!'
Mrs Caine, Balham
Mrs G replies: You are indeed married to Michael Caine. Unless he's lying. Either way, I'd recommend you bring him down to Mrs Greasy's Cafe and I'll serve you both with a lovely plate of cod and chips, at a surprisingly reasonable price!
Dear Mrs G, whatever happened to World of Sport anchor Dickie Davies?
Reg Number, Carmarthen
Mrs G replies: Umm...he's currently sitting in my cafe tucking into a meat pie, so if you hurry down here right now you just might catch him! Honest!
They won't let me go home!
Dear Mrs G, last week I checked into this hotel on the Isle of Wight. However, I now wish to leave, but the hotel staff don't seem to want to let me go. I haven't even paid for my room yet! The food is lousy and the staff are grumpy, but security is excellent. What can I do? Please reply soon, I've got another bank job planned for Monday night.
Fingers McKenzie, Parkhurst
Mrs G replies: Pop down to Mrs Greasy's Cafe...oh no, of course you can't. Well anyway, when you do get out, I hope you enjoy your new job at the bank.
I hate my job
Dear Mrs G, my job really depresses me. I'd really love to give it up, but I need the money! What can I do?
Mick Woolley, Head of Comedy and Entertainment, DMTV
Mrs G replies: Simple - win the lottery, then you'll never need to work again! Hope I've been of some help.
I look like Jimmy Hill!
Dear Mrs G, when I woke up this morning I discovered that my chin had grown to approximately the same length as Jimmy Hill's! Please help me!
Jemima Puddleduck, Newbury
Mrs G replies: Have you thought about growing a little comedy beard on the end of it?
I love DMTV!
Dear Mrs G, I really enjoy DMTV! Is there any hope for me?
Very Sad Person, Lewisham
Mrs G replies: You're a lost cause. End it all.
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