Here is a selection of the best stories from The Chronicles of Des and Mick; see the panel on the right for a full story listing. You can also view a more detailed listing, as well as stories listed alphabetically and by category.

Des and Mick 2012

Written in 2011

Mrs Greasy asks Des and Mick to ensure that the 2012 Olympic torch relay goes past her cafe - easier said than done!


Des Has a Hair-Raising Experience

Written in 2008

Des reckons he made such a good job cutting his own hair, he decides to open his own barber shop! Unfortunately his first customer turns out to be someone who hasn't had his hair cut since 1957...


Des and Mick at Hallowe'en

Written in 2007

Thanks to Wayne opening his big mouth, Des has just half an hour to organise a Hallowe'en party. So where is he going to get some Hallowe'en props from at such short notice - and what do people do at Hallowe'en parties anyway?


Des and Mick on Bonfire Night

Written in 2008

Des decides it's his and Mick's moral duties to take action against the sale of fireworks to underage kids. But it's those same kids that Des is forced to rely on when he finds himself with just half an hour to organise a fireworks party...


Postman Des

Written in 2009

Des has found himself temporarily without a car, so he decides to get a job that comes with a vehicle. Problem is, what is Des to do when he wrecks that vehicle?


Des and Mick Buys a Supercar

Written in 2008

Des makes his most unexpected purchase yet, which unsurprisingly proves to be in high demand - until he decides to make some modifications.


We Wish You a Greasy Christmas

Written in 2008

Des has a plan to avoid yet another year of Mrs Greasy's awful Christmas dinners yet again - he books them at a classy country hotel. Surely they won't run into Mrs G there?


Des and Mick Meet Laurence Llewelyn-Bowen

Written in 2008

Mrs Greasy employs the flamboyant designer to give her cafe a makeover - but will she be impressed with the result?


Des and Mick Meet Jamie Oliver

Written in 2007

The cheerful Cockney chef is in town fixing the local school dinners. But Des and Mick have some other things they want him to fix.


Eldorado

Written in 2007

Mike the Manic Mechanic is set to lose his record deal unless his new single gets into the charts - meanwhile a cash-strapped Wayne decides it's time he reformed his early nineties boy band.


Meals on Wheels

Written in 2007

Mrs Greasy decides to take her cafe on tour - literally! Sounds like good news for Des and Mick - until she makes them come with her.


Snarkbucket

Written in 2007

There's a new fellow in town - the charming and perfect Fred Snarkbucket. And yet he's threatening to put the others out of business!


Des and Mick Go Cross-Country Running

Written in 2007

Clive challenges Des, Mick and the others to run the entire North Downs Way for charity. But somehow or other they end up cross-country running through the middle of central London instead…


The Medford Maniac

Written in 2006

Mike has at last realised his dream to become Britain's largest car maker (not exactly difficult), as he unveils his very own sports coupe, the Medford Maniac. And it isn't long before he's using it to travel back in time...


Des Goes on Jury Service

Written in 2008

Des's holiday plans are ruined when he finds out that he's got to go on jury service. Things get even worse when he finds that the defendant on trial is none other than Mike the Manic Mechanic!


Des and Mick Go Game Show Crazy

Written in 2006

After getting enrolled at Farmer Files's new university, Des and Mick find themselves entered into his new quiz, 'Farmerversity Challenge'. And this gives the others the idea to set up their own game shows...


Pirate TV

Written in 2006

Mike the Manic Mechanic has set up his own illegal television channel - and in order to dodge the authorities, he cons Des into running it for him from a ship in the North Sea!


Mrs Greasy Goes Alfresco

Written in 2006

In an attempt to give her cafe a more continental feel, Mrs Greasy sets up an alfresco section on the pavement, until PC Plod puts a stop to it. But no worry - Mrs G has another, even better idea to attract more customers...


PI6

Written in 2006

Farmer Files takes on Des and Mick as spies for his new super-secret intelligence service. But he doesn't bank on how rubbish Des and Mick prove to be at spying...


Whatever Happened to Clive?

Written in 2007

Anyone seen Clive recently? For some reason Des is under the impression he's away filming the latest James Bond movie...


Big Farmer

Written in 2007

Des and Mick find themselves embroiled in Farmer Files's latest scheme - they are to be incarcerated in the Big Farmer house for thirteen weeks. Can there be any escape?


Disco Avoidance

Written in 2005

Des has had quite enough of being subjected to Dickie the Vicar's dreary fund-raising discos every single night. So following the lead of Mick and Clive, who already have cast iron excuses, Des takes drastic action - by getting himself a job!


Piggy Heights

Written in 2005

In order to bring some much-needed cash in, Farmer Files turns his farmhouse into a hotel. Mrs Greasy books the others a fortnight at the hotel, but the hotel is so bad it isn't long before they start planning their escape...


The Mouse and Trousers

Written in 2005

Des and Mick take over the local pub which has been empty for ages. After getting it fully renovated, the pub re-opens with a new name, The Mouse and Trousers. It all looks to be a big success - until opening night when it transpires there isn't a drop of alcohol in the place...


Des and Mick 24

Written in 2004

Des, Mick and Clive decide to stay awake 24 hours a day for as long as possible. Why? For charity of course! But Des and Clive are more concerned about beating each other...


Des Plays Santa

Written in 2004

Internet shopping has almost completely killed off business at the shopping centre in the run-up to Christmas - and having Farmer Files play Santa in the grotto isn't helping matters. But luckily, both Des and Mike the Manic Mechanic have their own solutions to these problems...


Des and Mick Get Snowed In For Christmas

Written in 2006

There's going to no Merry Christmas for Des and Mick - due to a sudden and heavy snowfall, they find themselves trapped in Mrs Greasy's cafe! Can they find any way out?


It's Christmas Again

Written in 2005

And there's a turkey shortage thanks to Mrs Greasy's inability to cook one. Can Des and Mick salvage their Christmas dinner - and get out of having to take part in Dickie's Nativity disco?


Friday 13th

Written in 2004

Des is having an unlucky morning - but Mick doesn't believe in all that superstitous nonsense, especially when their luck begins to turn - or does it?


Takeover!

Written in 2005

Mrs Greasy and Mike the Manic Mechanic are both experiencing a financial crisis, and decide to resort to drastic action. But Des is more bothered about finding someone who'll pass his Fiat 126's MOT...


Des and Mick Become Removal Men

Written in 2005

Dickie the Vicar's leaving! However he can't afford a proper removals company, and so Des and Mick get lumbered with moving Dickie's possessions hundreds of miles to the other end of the country...


The Circus

Written in 2005

Farmer Files has started up his own circus - but it's floundering until Des takes over. Then things just get even worse.


Des and Mick Fix the Church Roof

Written in 2005

Des and Mick have at last come up with a plan to end Dickie's boring fund raising discos to fix the church roof. They're going to fix the church roof themselves!


Des's Ice Cream Van

Written in 2004

On the hottest day of the year, Des decides to get his own ice cream van. All he needs is a van, some ice cream, and some chimes...


Mrs Greasy Makes an Advert

Written in 2003

Mrs Greasy decided that the best way to increase custom at her cafe is to make a television advert. Des and Mick are employed as the production team - but will Mrs Greasy be impressed by the result?


Des Buys a New Shed

Written in 2004

At long last Des has decided to get rid of that old wreck at the bottom of his garden and buy a brand new shed. Only problem is, how to get it home from the garden centre. Mike the Manic Mechanic believes he has the perfect solution.


Des and Mick's Aqua-Cars

Written in 2004

Des comes up the perfect solution to congestion on the roads - so he gets Mike the Manic Mechanic to build him a car that transforms into a boat! Thing is, Farmer Files has had the same idea. There's only one way to decide who's king of the aqua-cars...


Mrs Greasy's Gym

Written in 2004

Mrs Greasy has finally figured out why her cafe is not terribly successful. So in order to turn around her business, she decides to open a gym. You don't follow? Neither do Des and Mick.


Disco Wars

Written in 2003

Mrs Greasy and Dickie the Vicar find themselves running rival discos, and both are after the hottest DJ in town - who happens to be none other than Des. He soon finds himself embroiled in a bizarre bidding war between the two parties...


PIGrail

Written in 2003

Having become more environmentally aware, the gang decide to go on holiday on the train instead of driving. But as soon as they find out Farmer Files is running the rail company, they know this will become a train journey they'll never forget!


Mrs Greasy's Stand-In

Written in 2003

Mrs Greasy's away for a few days, so her sister, Ms Greasy, comes to run the cafe. The others don't bank on her being such a hard taskmasker, and so they cook up a scheme to get rid of her...


Des is Honoured

Written in 2004

At long last Des has received an OBE from the Queen. Clive is so disgusted he plans to return his, while Wayne and Mike are also disgusted - what happened to their honours?


Wayne and Mike's Old Record Emporium

Written in 2004

Mike the Manic Mechanic's finances are in the red, so he goes into partnership with Wayne to open an old record shop. But they rather wish they hadn't when Big Barry Bigworth comes round looking for an obscure album...


FrankenDes's Monsters

Written in 2004

Des decides to hold a special song and dance extravaganza for Christmas. Trouble is, everyone else is unavailable to take part - but that doesn't deter Des, who creates monstrous stand-ins for them...


PIGsoft

Written in 2003

Farmer Files is selling his dodgy computers to everyone, whether they want one or not, giving them all direct access to the Porkernet - and to everyone's horror, a direct link to Mrs Greasy's cafe!


Des's Visitor

Written in 2004

Some bloke claiming he met Des on holiday in 1977 suddenly turns up at his house without warning. Before long he's eating Des out of house and home - but is this mysterious visitor all he claims to be?


Des Goes Deep Sea Diving But Not That Deep

Written in 2003

Des accidentally drops a rare Donny Osmond single in the River Thames. He's determined to get it back, and will go to whatever lengths needed to retrieve it.


Des - The Fastest Milkman in the West

Written in 2002

Des has bought a milk float, but the trouble is, it's too slow. So, with the help of Mike the Manic Mechanic, he transforms it into the fastest milk float in the west. Only problem is - someone else has got an even faster milk float...

Des and Mick Sell Hot Cakes

Written in 2002

Wayne's short on cash - so he goes into business with Des and Mick. But what are they going to sell? Something that's going to sell like hot cakes...


The Panda That Wouldn't Go Away

Written in 2002

Des wins a giant panda in a raffle that he doesn't want. But getting rid of it turns out to be a lot harder than he thought.


Des and Clive - The Movie

Written in 2003

Big Hollywood director Hank Schneitzberger is in town to make a blockbuster movie about Des and Mick's lives. However he insists on making a few changes...


Des and Mick Become Lollipop Ladies

Written in 2002

Mrs Greasy's latest scheme to increase custom at her cafe is to cajole Des, Mick and Clive into becoming lollipop men, in order to guide the local school children into the cafe. Sounds simple on paper - but it certainly isn't in practice...


White Christmas

Written in 2003

Des is desperate for a white Christmas, and everyone is desperate to get out of eating Mrs Greasy's Christmas dinner. So Des comes up with a scheme that will fulfil both those requirements.


Des and Mick Celebrate the Golden Jubilee

Written in 2002

The gang want to hold a street party to mark HM The Queen's 50 years on the throne - but how do they get out of having Mrs Greasy cooking the food for it? Des and Mick think they have the perfect plan, but Clive has other ideas.


Des and Mick's School Bus

Written in 2003

Des decides to start running a school bus service in order to help clear the roads near the local school of morning rush hour traffic. Surely nothing can go wrong this time - can it?


Des and Mick Celebrate Shrove Tuesday

Written in 2003

To celebrate Shrove Tuesday the gang decides to hold a pancake tossing contest in the local park. Des is determined to win, and will go to any length to ensure that he does...


The Fancy Dress Party

Written in 2002

It's the 134th anniversary of the first traffic light - so Clive's friend Don is holding a fancy dress party to celebrate. But why did he have to choose cops and robbers as the theme?


The End of the World

Written in 2002

The end of the world is nigh! Having been thwarted in his plan to save the world from a catastrophic asteroid hit, Des instead decides to hold a party and spend the final day doing all those stupid things he never dared do before.


Where's Des's Car?

Written in 2003

After selling his Fiat 126 on what turned out not to be the last day of the world, Des would now rather like it back. But the quest to find it takes him and Mick further afield than expected.


Des and Mick's All-day Bingo

Written in 2001

No more of Dickie the Vicar's boring charity discos! His two records have worn out, so he's forced into hiring out the church hall to raise money to buy some new ones. Des and Mick win the leasehold - but what made them want to hold all-day bingo?


The Birthday Bear

Written in 2000

Des and Mick are in town when Mike the Manic Mechanic lumbers them with a huge stuffed bear which he intends to give to Mrs Greasy for her birthday. He asks them to drop it round his garage, but that's only the start of their problems...


Des and Mick Celebrate St George's Day

Written in 2001

But how did Des know it was St George's Day? Where is he getting a dragon and suit of armour from? Why are they celebrating it a day late? And can they perform their re-enactment of the story without running into PC Plod?


Des and Mick Go on Holiday Again

Written in 2001

Bad news - Des is organising the holiday this year. But the gang are actually impressed when they find out the holiday cottage in the country Des has booked is more like a mansion. Or is it?


Passport to Des's House

Written in 2001

Des declares his house to be an independent breakaway state - the Kingdom of Desonia. The others are forced to obtain passports in order to gain entry, but Clive isn't allowed one. But where's Mick?


Christmas at Des's House

Written in 2000

Christmas round Des's house could be fun - but Mrs Greasy does her best to spoil it by cooking them Christmas dinner, and Dickie does his best to spoil it by inviting them to a special Christmas disco.


Des and Mick's Summer Holiday

Written in 2000

The gang have decided to spend their holiday in an old-fashioned holiday camp. They turn up on the weekend that the centre comes under new management - it's now run by none other than Farmer Files!


The Singing Vicar

Written in 2001

Dickie's just been signed to Farmer Files's PIG record label, and is appearing on 'Top of the Pops'! So others decide to hit back - by forming their own boy band...


The Des Wednesday Fan Club

Written in 2000

Des learns that a couple of lunatics have set up a fan club for him, and he is invited to speak at their next convention. But this fan worship quickly becomes a dangerous obsession...


Des and Mick Meet the Teletubbies

Written in 2000

Uh-oh!! The whole gang are on their way to the Motor Show in Birmingham. Mainly due to the fact that Des has no idea where they're going, they inadvertently stumble upon Teletubbyland...


Mrs Greasy - the Best Cook in Britain?!

Written in 2000

A disaster is about to hit the UK - Mrs Greasy has entered a competition to find the country's best cook. She's set to win by default - because she's the only entrant! The others have to find a way to avert this catastrophe.


RoboDes

Written in 2000

Des has just remembered it's the year 2000 - so why hasn't he got his own personal robot yet? To rectify the situation, he commissions Mike the Manic Mechanic to build him his very own household friend - RoboDes!


The Millennium Party

Written in 1999

It's December 1999, and the 20th century is almost over. So Des decides it would be a good idea to hold a special party to celebrate. But is it actually the end of the millennium yet? Clive thinks otherwise.


Des and Mick Go Caravanning

Written in 1999

Des buys a caravan, and so the obvious thing to do is go on a caravanning holiday in Wales. It seemed like a good idea at the time, if only they had any idea for what to do on a caravanning holiday, and if the caravan was in a fit state to last the journey.


Des and Mick Go Birdwatching

Written in 1999

A rare bird has been sighted in Des and Mick's area, and there is a cash reward for the first genuine photograph. This is the catalyst for one of Clive's practical jokes...


The Docu-soap

Written in 1999

After watching wall-to-wall docu-soaps on television, Des decides to make one about their own community. So get ready for some heart-rending real life drama in Des's kitchen, Mike's Manic Motor's and Mrs Greasy's cafe...


DMTV

Written in 1999

Making a docu-soap clearly isn't enough for Des - now he wants to launch his own entire channel! He constructs an entire schedule of highly original and innovative shows for them all to present. Plus you can visit DMTV Online!


Wayne and Clive Join the Club

Written in 1999

Clive has finally had his application to join the golf club accepted. But Wayne is also intent on joining the Hackney-based club, and starts talking in his own brand of rhyming slang. Just what kind of golf club is this?


The Total Eclipse

Written in 1999

Set on the day of the total eclipse, Des and Mick miss the great spectacle, but Clive, Mike, Mrs Greasy and Dickie manage to see this magnificient natural phenomenon in style...


The Comedians

Written in 1999

Des and Mick start telling jokes constantly - and don't even realise they're doing it. Clive and Mrs Greasy are not amused, but Wayne is, and invites them to star at his new comedy club - but Des and Mick would rather just stop telling jokes.


Elvis is a Dangerous Man

Written in 1998

A large character in a jumpsuit and shades is featured on 'Crimewatch' after committing the heinous crime of stealing two Mars Bars and a packet of marshmallows from a local sweet shop. The problem the police face is, why do so many people living in the area seem to look like Elvis?


Clive's Brother Comes to Visit

Written in 1998

Clive's hated brother, Eugene, is visiting the area, and he is everything Clive isn't - kind, complimentary and generous. Clive is obviously fed up being upstaged like this, but this is nothing when he discovers the real reason for his brother's visit.


Des and Mick Go Skiing

Written in 1999

Des manages to win himself and the gang a two-week skiing holiday in the Alps. Being rather reluctant to actually go skiing, Des is more interested in building a snowman. Eventually he is persuaded to take to the slopes, with painful results...


Des and Mick's Holiday at Home

Written in 1998

Des has decided he can't afford to pay for the annual holiday, so comes up with the novel idea of simulating a foreign holiday in his own house. But, as usual, Des begins to take things to far.


The Car Boot Sale

Written in 1997

Des is having a major clearout, but instead of throwing away his worthless old rubbish, he decides to hold a car boot sale instead. The others join in as well, including Ralph who is foolishly trying to sell Aunty Phyllis's priceless painting...


Des and Mick at Easter

Written in 1997

Wayne joins forces with Mrs Greasy in a seasonal money-making venture in which chocolate eggs are to be distributed by the Easter bunny, played by Des, at an Easter Egg hunt for the children. Trouble is, Des, Mick, Wayne and Mike would rather have the eggs for themselves!


Des and Mick Attempt to Run the London Marathon

Written in 1997

Clive, in an attempt to get his own back on Des and the others, has entered them into the London Marathon. However Des's intervention means that this is no ordinary marathon ...


The Football Match

Written in 1996

Des somehow or other gets the gang entered into a local football league. Quite frankly, it's embarrasing - until Des's team, the Tolworth Dipsticks, unleash their secret weapon...


Des and Mick Go Banger Racing

Written in 1997

Mike the Manic Mechanic decides it would be a good idea to have a banger race, into which all the gang enter their old bangers. Clive, however, is unwilling to enter his BMW, but that doesn't matter, as he has other ideas...


The Canal Boat

Written in 1996

In another irrational moment, Des has bought a canal boat. He has it sitting in the garage, but Mick suggests taking onto the water. Not a good idea, considering the poor condition of the boat. Unsurprisingly, no one remains dry.


The Statue

Written in 1996

Aunty Phyllis asks her husband Ralph and Des to clean her priceless statue of Leonardo da Wednesday. They enlist the others to help them, with the result that the precious statue soon ends up in little pieces all over the garden...


Des's Christmas Carol

Written in 1996

Des is feeling particularly Scrooge-like, and is not interested in Christmas this year. But when he falls asleep on the night before Christmas he dreams he is Deseneezer Scrooge - and the dream changes his mind forever about the festive season.


Chocolate Biscuit Man

Written in 1995

Des and the gang are dressing up as superheroes to put wrong to right, all wearing their underpants over their trousers. Mick tries his best to have nothing to do with them, but then even he requires their assistance...


Des and Mick at Christmas

Written in 1995

Christmas is round again, so the crew go round houses carol singing. But when Christmas Day comes, children all over the world are dismayed to find they had no presents - it's up to Farmer Files to sort things out...


Des and Mick Go to the Seaside

Written in 1994

It's the hottest day of the year, so it's time for a trip to the seaside. But Des unwisely chooses the M25 route and they get stuck in the biggest jam ever...


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