by Robert Williams
Dave Presley was innocently walking down the street when Clive ran into him in a frenzy.
"Hey man, don't you know you're not supposed to drive frenzies on the pavement?!" exclaimed Dave.
"Sorry Dave, but I've just had some exciting news!" exclaimed Clive. "I've just had my application to join the golf club accepted!"
"Oh great, man," said Dave, clearly underwhelmed. "Morning Wayne!" he shouted to Wayne who was innocently walking along the other side of the road.
"Mornin' Dave, me ol' muckeroony!" shouted back Wayne. "How yer diddlin'!"
"Not bad, Wayne!" shouted Dave.
"Yes, anyway, Dave, as I was saying, I just had to tell someone I've joined the golf club!" exclaimed Clive.
"Yeah great, man," said Dave. "So...where is it then?" he asked, trying to sound interested.
"It's near Hackney," said Clive. "You know, I can't wait to get practising my swinging technique!"
"Hey Clive, man, aren't you a bit old for that kind of thing?" said Dave.
"What, swinging?" said Clive. "You're never too old for it! All right, it may be a while since I've had a go, but an elephant never forgets!"
"Eh?" said Dave.
"And I've heard the bar's really good as well!"
"Is it?!" said Dave.
"Anyway, got to go, got to tell the others," said Clive, rushing off.
"'Ere Dave!" called Wayne, who had been standing on the other side of the road the whole time. "Come over 'ere!"
"Hey Wayne, man, what is it?" said Dave, crossing over the road.
"Hey Dave, you crossin' the road to talk to me has just made me think of a superb joke!" exclaimed Wayne, giggling.
"Oh no," groaned Dave.
"Why did Dave (that's you) cross the road?"
"I don't know, man, why did Dave (that's me) cross the road?"
"To talk to Wayne (that's me)!!!!" laughed Wayne.
"That's just too funny, man," said Dave. "Anyway, man, what did you want?"
"Yeah Dave, what was Clive on about then?" asked Wayne. "All I 'eard was somethin' about a club, swingin' and some elephants! Is it...a swinging club for elephants??"
"No, no, man," said Dave. "I think Clive's gone a bit mad. First he says he's joined some club, then he calls himself an elephant!"
"What kinda club?" asked Wayne.
"Golf club," said Dave.
"Oh! That must be that new nightclub me mates Shane and Dwayne were on about!"
"It's got a bar, and Clive can't wait to get swinging, man," said Dave.
"Clive's a bit of an ol' fogey for nightclubs!" said Wayne.
"Like I said, man, he's gone a bit mad!" said Dave.
"I'd love to get in there!" said Wayne. "I've 'ad enough of the Kool Klub down the road! All they play is this out-of-date old school ambient jungle rave! It's not round 'ere, is it?!"
"It's in Hackney, you know, East London way, man," said Dave. "They all use that cockney rhyming slang up there. You know, apples and pears, mate."
"Hey, mate! I've got it!" exclaimed Wayne. "If I learn some rhymin' slang and start talkin' like real cockneys, they're bound to let me in, mate! I'll be like one of the lads, mate! What's it called again, mate?"
"The Golf Club, man," said Dave. "Go and see Mike the Manic Mechanic, I'm sure he could teach you some, man!"
"Hey right on, mate!" exclaimed Wayne. "Thanks a lot, mate! I'll go and see him now, mate!"
"Oh yeah, and one piece of advice, man," said Dave. "You don't have to say 'mate' at the end of every sentence, man! I'd never do anything like that, man!"
"All right, mate!" said Wayne. "See yer later, mate!"
Meanwhile, Des and Mick were over at the cafe.
"I can't believe this," said Des. "I've waited three pages for my first mention in this story!"
"Oh stop complaining," said Mick. "At least we've found a way of getting out of having to eat Mrs Greasy's cookery!"
"Yes, that was a masterstroke," said Des. "You getting her that 'Delia Smith's How to Cook' book and video for Christmas! Maybe at last she'll learn to cook properly!"
"That's not the reason I bought her it," said Mick. "It was so she would be too busy watching the video to save us! And that means I can eat my sandwiches and you can eat your chocolate biscuits!"
Just then they saw smoke coming out of the kitchen.
"Help!" yelled Mrs Greasy. "My kitchen's on fire!!"
Des and Mick gasped, and fetched the fire extinguisher.
"I hope it's not empty!" said Des. "This thing's seen plenty of use round here!"
They rushed into the smoke-filled kitchen, and Des tried to use the fire extinguisher, but succeeded only in covering himself in foam.
"Oh give it here!" exclaimed Mick. He grabbed the fire extinguisher and aimed at the fire, while Mrs Greasy and Des ran around the cafe in a blind panic. Then, if things couldn't get worse, in walked Clive.
"I've joined the golf club!" he proclaimed. "Oh, it's a bit smoky in here..."
A few minutes later, they had managed to put the fire out, and Des was wiping off the foam.
"What on earth were you doing, Mrs G?" said Mick.
"Boiling an egg!"
"So how on earth did you manage..." started Des.
"I was just following the instructions! Honestly, this Delia Smith has no idea how to cook!" She tossed the book and video in the bin. "I'm a far better cook than she is, and the BBC don't give me my own show!"
"Never mind that," said Mick. "Who was that shouting?"
"It was me!" said Clive. "I said, I've joined the golf club!"
"That's interesting," said Des.
"You're not into golf, are you?" said Mick.
"I've been trying to get in for years!" said Clive.
"It's the snob factor, isn't it?!" said Mick.
"No comment," said Clive.
Just then, in walked Wayne, followed by Mike.
"Allo me ol' china mugs!" greeted Wayne.
"Hello Wayne," groaned the others.
"Cor," said Wayne. "Tell you what, I was just walkin' along the frog and tadpole near me cat and dog when me dog and cat rang! And it was the only the trouble and bother of me old china jug Dwayne! And she told me 'is jam roll's broken down so 'e can't meet me tonight! And that's no pork chop, mate!!"
"What's he on about?!" exclaimed Des.
"He's trying to talk in cockney rhyming slang!" said Clive. "But getting it all wrong!"
"Let me translate," said Mike. "Wayne was walking along the road near his house when his mobile phone rang, and it was his mate's Dwayne's wife who told him his car's broken down! And that's no lie."
"That's nice," said Mrs Greasy. "Now what would you all like to eat?"
"Hey Mrs Greasy, I'm Hank Wangford, mate! I can't wait to shove some nosh in me North and West! Could you do us a Ruby Turner?!"
"Wayne's starving, he can't wait to shove some food in his mouth, could you do him a curry?" translated Mike.
"I don't do curries!" exclaimed Mrs Greasy. "You can have fish and chips like usual!"
"Why's Wayne talking like that?" asked Mick.
"I'm gonna join the golf club, like Clive!" said Wayne.
"Don't make me laugh!" said Clive. "They'll never let a ruffian like you in the golf club!"
"Course they will, mate!" exclaimed Wayne. "I'm turnin' into a real cockney geezer! Hey Mrs G, mate, 'ave you got any bread and jam I could borrow to use the dog and kennel?!"
"Have you got any money that Wayne can borrow for the phone?" translated Mike.
"I wanna check with me old chinamen Shane and Dwayne that they're comin' with me down the club tomorrow night!" exclaimed Wayne.
"No I haven't, but I'll let you borrow my telephone," said Mrs Greasy.
Wayne had a word with Dwayne on the phone.
"I still can't understand why Wayne thinks he's going to get in the golf club by talking like that," said Mick.
"I can't understand why Wayne would even want to join a golf club!" said Des.
"Oh no!" exclaimed Wayne at the end of his call. "Would you Adam and Dave it! Shane and Dwayne can't come! Dwayne says Shane's in a right two and six! His jam sandwich's at the menders, and Dwayne's washin' his Barnet Road tonight!"
"I've told you, Wayne, it's Barnet Fair!!" exclaimed Mike. "Don't worry, I'll give you a lift up there."
The next day, Wayne turned up at the cafe in his new outfit, and was raring to go down the golf club.
"Hey Clive, are yer comin' down and doin' some swingin' down the Golf Club with me and Mike tonight?!" said Wayne.
Clive was not particularly tempted by this offer, to say the least.
"Er, no thanks Wayne, I think I'll wait till tomorrow afternoon before I go over there," said Clive.
"Suit yerself then," said Wayne. "'Ere look! Do you like me new rhythm and greens I've got on me plates of food? They're a bit big, I nearly fell down me apples and bananas in 'em! And I'm wearing' a new Dickie Davies, and I've got this pair of Lionel Barts! And I've brushed me Hampstead Park special, and I've just been and 'ad me Barnet Hospital cut! Good job I just missed a little Richard II which nearly did it business on top on me when I was walkin' along the frog and rabbit!"
The others looked at Mike, who just shrugged his shoulders.
Wayne and Mike set off in Mike's Cortina to the golf club. That was the last they heard of them until Des received a phone call at three o'clock in the morning.
"Oh who could that be?" yawned Des. "Hello?"
"'Allo Des, it's yer ol' mate Wayne 'ere! 'Ere Des, we've got into a bit of Barney Bear 'ere at the golf club!"
"What on earth are you doing playing golf at this time of the morning?!" exclaimed Des.
"Some teabags 'ave half-centimetred Mikey's jam roly-poly, mate! They're like a bunch of dustbin men round 'ere!! And I've got a cut on me boat house! You've gotta come up here and fetch us, Des!" whinged Wayne.
"What???" said Des.
"What he means is, we've got into a bit of Barney Rubble (trouble)!" said Mike, taking over the phone. "Some tea leaves (thieves) have half-inched (pinched) my jam jar (car), they're like a bunch of dustbin lids (kids) round here, and Wayne's got a cut on his boat race (face)!"
"So what happened then?!" said Des.
"We ran into a rough gang in the club," explained Mike. "They couldn't understand what Wayne was talking about, and tried to beat him up! But then we got thrown out by the bouncers!"
"Bouncers??!!" said Des. "What kind of a golf club is this?!"
"It's an nightclub called The Golf Club!" exclaimed Mike. "Not...a golf club!"
"Oh!" exclaimed Des.
"Anyway, now those rascals have gone and stolen my car!" said Mike. "You'll have to come and drive us home."
So Des wearily drove up to Hackney in his Fiat 126, and eventually found Mike and Wayne by the side of the road, looking very sorry for themselves.
"I'm never comin' here again," moaned Wayne, who had a small cut on his face. "All I wanna do is go back to me Millennium Bug and hop on me snore shelf!"
"You know what," said Des as he drove them back. "We all thought it actually was a golf club! Where people play golf! And so did Clive!"
"Are you going to tell him?" said Mike.
"No!" said Des.
Des drove Wayne and Mike back towards home. Along the way, Mike luckily spotted his Ford Cortina abandoned by the side of the road, and so he drove it back the rest of the way.
Next morning, in their meeting at Mrs Greasy's cafe, Clive turned up looking completely ridiculous dressed in his golfing gear. He was wearing his Ronnie Corbett golfing jumper, baggy checked trousers, plus fours and golf hat, and had his golf trolley with him.
"I'm really looking forward to this," said Clive, standing a golf club in his hand. "Can't wait to get some games in! And it'll be a good chance to mix with a better class of person!"
"Hey Clive, they're a real rough lot down there!" moaned Wayne. "I'm never goin' back to that club!"
"What happened to you then?" exclaimed Clive, seeing the cut on Wayne's face.
"Like Wayne said, they're a rough lot down the golf club," said Mick.
"What are you talking about?!" exclaimed Clive. "Come on, it's a golf club! It's not as if it's a nightclub or something! Anyway I'll see you all later."
"Well have a nice time down the club!" said Des, trying to suppress his giggles.
They next heard from Clive on his mobile phone, late in the afternoon. Mrs Greasy put her phone on loudspeaker so everyone could listen in.
"I just can't understand it! I've been driving around Hackney all day, and I can't find the golf club anywhere! All I could find was this nightclub where I'm standing outside now, which is called 'The Golf Club'!! Hey Mrs G, who's that laughing?"
The vision of Clive standing outside a trendy nightclub in his embarrassing golfing gear with his golf trolley, was too much for the others, and they had descended into hysterics. Indeed, all of the trendy young people filing into the nightclub were giving Clive very strange looks.
"Anyway Mrs G, I think I'd better be getting back, I've just seen a rough gang come round the corner...they're looking at me at bit funny...um...I'll speak to you later Mrs G, I've got to go...oi! Leave my car alone!... Uh-oh..."
Copyright © Robert Williams
Random story: Des's Family Tree