Great news everybody! Have you ever fancied bacon and eggs for 'BREXIT'? Well now's your chance, with the 'GREAT BRITISH BREXIT BREAKFAST' now available at Mrs Greasy's cafe! Don't worry, there's none of that foreign muck in my Brexit Breakfast, it's just a good old British fry-up! See you there!!
28 June 2016 8.06am
Whenever you come back from a hard day's filming, you'll always be guaranteed a piping hot meal at Mrs Greasy's cafe!
(You'll have to pay for it, of course).
26 March 2015 8.23pm
IMPORTANT NOTICE: PLEASE READ
I would like to make it known that Mike the Manic Mechanic's fiancee Trendy Tracy has, with immediate effect, been issued with a three-year ban from my cafe. This is as a result of her walking in this morning and describing the establishment as, and I quote, "a dump".
Please let this be a warning to the rest of you. If anyone displays similar behaviour I will have no hesitation in issuing them with the same penalty.
25 November 2008 11.25am
EXCITING NEWS!!! THE GREASY BANK OPENS TODAY!!!
Yes, it's true!!!!!! Mrs Greasy's Cafe is no more!! But opening today in its place is The Greasy Bank!!!
Visit The Greasy Bank today and treat yourself to anything from a wide selection of tasty home-cooked meals!! We've got everything from bread pudding to toad in the hole!! All at surprisingly reasonable prices!!!
Don't delay, head down to The Greasy Bank today!!!!
13 October 2008 8.14am
SHOCK NEWS!! MRS GREASY RESIGNS!!!
Yes it's true! After 47 years I'm resigning my position as proprieter of Mrs Greasy's Cafe!!
This will obviously force a by-election, which I will contest and, being the only contender, will win, thus allowing me to resume my position as proprieter of Mrs Greasy's Cafe with immediate effect.
13 June 2008 10.44am
Don't forget everybody, once again I shall be cooking you all your Christmas dinner! The turkey's been in the oven for the past week and the Christmas pudding is going to be just as fantastic as last year's (actually, it is last year's since no one ate it).
Dinner will be served as usual round at Des's house at 2.00 pm. Everyone's invited!
In the meantime, every meal you eat at my cafe now comes with a free mince pie!!
23 December 2007 8.42pm
Oh no, not again. I hope the hospital have our beds reserved for Boxing day as usual.
(Sigh) I haven't had a decent Christmas for as long as I've lived next door to Des.
Nether have I...
like the year we had to hide from Dickie the Vicar in the church
and the year we spent Christmas night in an igloo in Mrs Greasy's back yard
and the year I played Father Christmas at the shopping centre
and the year there was a turkey shortage thanks to Mrs Greasy
and last year when we spent Christmas trapped in Mrs Greasy's cafe!
Exciting new venture called off
Unfortunately due to unforeseen circumstances, my exciting new venture has had to be cancelled.
(Thanks a bunch, Des and Mick!)
4 June 2007 7.32pm
Exciting new venture!
Just to let everyone know that as of tomorrow I'm going to be away from the cafe for a while as I launch my most exciting new venture ever! Can't say too much about it at the moment, if you want further details just pop into the cafe or ask my cohorts Des and Mick who have agreed to come with me!
31 May 2007 5.18pm
Don't forget everyone, it's my birthday tomorrow!!!!!
21 May 2007 3.13pm
Big disappointment on the Eurovision party front last night - where were you all???
13 May 2007 9.55pm
Exciting news! As you are no doubt aware, it's the Eurovision Song Contest soon, so to celebrate you're all invited to a Eurovision-themed party at my cafe!!! There's going to be all kinds of Euro-themed dishes available, such as Italian Steak and Kidney Pie, Polish Mashed Potato, Turkish Fish and Chips and Norwegian Yorkshire Pudding!! It's going to be fantastic! See you all there!
2 May 2007 5.33pm
Still got cashflow problems
Went to see Mike the Manic Mechanic at his garage today, and guess what he wasn't there! His stupid spotty nephew Mick (not the other Mick!) was filling in for him and when I told him what I was after, he sold me a spark plug instead! Dear, dear, looks like my plan will have to go on hold until Mike gets back! Not sure my finances can wait though!
26 April 2007 12.52pm
Well of course he wasn't there, he's been at your cafe all day downloading endless copies of his single on my laptop, in case you hadn't noticed!!
Got a few cashflow problems at the moment, I was just wondering if anyone had any ideas how I could get some more customers into my cafe? I'll tell you all the ideas I've had so far: getting the place redecorated, putting a sweet cuddly gerbil in the window, putting a parrot in the cafe, winning a national cookery competition, taking on Des and Mick as lollipop ladies to direct kids into the cafe, holding a raffle, hypnotising my customers, opening a disco in the cafe, getting Des and Mick to make me a television advert, opening a gym in the cafe, launching my own shopping channel, creating an alfresco section, putting a television in the cafe and holding my own game show in the cafe.
(If you are also a cafe proprieter who is experiencing similar cashflow problems, please see www.desandmick.co.uk/chronicles/volumes/stories/ if you need further details on any of these excellent ideas guaranteed to increase custom in your cafe).
I've got it! I don't know why I never thought of it before! My greatest plan yet! I'd better go and see Mike the Manic Mechanic in the morning! Oi, I'm not telling what it is, I don't want you stealing my ideas!!
25 April 2007 6.57pm