Mrs Greasy



Great news everybody! Have you ever fancied bacon and eggs for 'BREXIT'? Well now's your chance, with the 'GREAT BRITISH BREXIT BREAKFAST' now available at Mrs Greasy's cafe! Don't worry, there's none of that foreign muck in my Brexit Breakfast, it's just a good old British fry-up! See you there!!

28 June 2016 8.06am

Clive Kippers
I think I might be leaving the country.

Rest assured...

Whenever you come back from a hard day's filming, you'll always be guaranteed a piping hot meal at Mrs Greasy's cafe!

(You'll have to pay for it, of course).

26 March 2015 8.23pm

Wayne Coach
Des Wednesday
Oh great, thanks.
Clive Kippers
Just as well I don't exactly do much in the way of filming, isn't it?


I would like to make it known that Mike the Manic Mechanic's fiancee Trendy Tracy has, with immediate effect, been issued with a three-year ban from my cafe. This is as a result of her walking in this morning and describing the establishment as, and I quote, "a dump".

Please let this be a warning to the rest of you. If anyone displays similar behaviour I will have no hesitation in issuing them with the same penalty.

25 November 2008 11.25am

Des Wednesday
Mrs Greasy, your cafe is a dump.
Clive Kippers
Mrs Greasy, your cafe is a dump.
Mike the Manic Mechanic
Mrs Greasy, your cafe is a dump.


Yes, it's true!!!!!! Mrs Greasy's Cafe is no more!! But opening today in its place is The Greasy Bank!!!

Visit The Greasy Bank today and treat yourself to anything from a wide selection of tasty home-cooked meals!! We've got everything from bread pudding to toad in the hole!! All at surprisingly reasonable prices!!!

Don't delay, head down to The Greasy Bank today!!!!

13 October 2008 8.14am

Des Wednesday
I don't get it. I went into The Greasy Bank this afternoon and it's exactly the same as it was when it was a cafe. I tried to open a low interest account and instead I got served with a plate of mashed potato. What's going on?!
Clive Kippers
It's quite simple. Mrs Greasy is trying to pass off her cafe as a bank because she believes that by doing so, the Government will send her lots of money. Is that not correct, Mrs Greasy?
Mrs Greasy
No comment.
Des Wednesday

I still don't get it though.


Yes it's true! After 47 years I'm resigning my position as proprieter of Mrs Greasy's Cafe!!

This will obviously force a by-election, which I will contest and, being the only contender, will win, thus allowing me to resume my position as proprieter of Mrs Greasy's Cafe with immediate effect.

13 June 2008 10.44am

Clive Kippers
Des Wednesday
Who's going to be running the cafe in between your resignation and the election?
Mrs Greasy
I shall be appointing myself as caretaker-proprieter.
Des Wednesday
I don't get it.

Christmas dinner!

Don't forget everybody, once again I shall be cooking you all your Christmas dinner! The turkey's been in the oven for the past week and the Christmas pudding is going to be just as fantastic as last year's (actually, it is last year's since no one ate it).

Dinner will be served as usual round at Des's house at 2.00 pm. Everyone's invited!

In the meantime, every meal you eat at my cafe now comes with a free mince pie!!

23 December 2007 8.42pm

Des Wednesday
Oh no, not again. I hope the hospital have our beds reserved for Boxing day as usual.
Clive Kippers
(Sigh) I haven't had a decent Christmas for as long as I've lived next door to Des.
Des Wednesday
Nether have I...

like the year we had to hide from Dickie the Vicar in the church

and the year we spent Christmas night in an igloo in Mrs Greasy's back yard

and the year I played Father Christmas at the shopping centre

and the year there was a turkey shortage thanks to Mrs Greasy

and last year when we spent Christmas trapped in Mrs Greasy's cafe!

Exciting new venture called off

Unfortunately due to unforeseen circumstances, my exciting new venture has had to be cancelled.

(Thanks a bunch, Des and Mick!)

4 June 2007 7.32pm

Des Wednesday
Tee hee! Mrs Greasy won't tell you why, but this will:

Exciting new venture!

Just to let everyone know that as of tomorrow I'm going to be away from the cafe for a while as I launch my most exciting new venture ever! Can't say too much about it at the moment, if you want further details just pop into the cafe or ask my cohorts Des and Mick who have agreed to come with me!

31 May 2007 5.18pm

Des Wednesday
Mike the Manic Mechanic
So just what the heck is this new venture? All three of them have vanished now!!


Don't forget everyone, it's my birthday tomorrow!!!!!

21 May 2007 3.13pm

Clive Kippers
Whoops, we forgot, what a shame.
Mike the Manic Mechanic
Such a great pity.

Eurovision party

Big disappointment on the Eurovision party front last night - where were you all???

13 May 2007 9.55pm

Des Wednesday
Watched it at home of course!
Des Wednesday
By the way, who did you vote for, Mrs G?
Mrs Greasy
That's between me and the ballot box.
Des Wednesday
Bet it was for Christopher Biggins!
Mrs Greasy
No comment.

Eurovision party

Exciting news! As you are no doubt aware, it's the Eurovision Song Contest soon, so to celebrate you're all invited to a Eurovision-themed party at my cafe!!! There's going to be all kinds of Euro-themed dishes available, such as Italian Steak and Kidney Pie, Polish Mashed Potato, Turkish Fish and Chips and Norwegian Yorkshire Pudding!! It's going to be fantastic! See you all there!

2 May 2007 5.33pm

Des Wednesday
Sounds blooming awful, think I'll give it a miss.

Still got cashflow problems

Went to see Mike the Manic Mechanic at his garage today, and guess what – he wasn't there! His stupid spotty nephew Mick (not the other Mick!) was filling in for him and when I told him what I was after, he sold me a spark plug instead! Dear, dear, looks like my plan will have to go on hold until Mike gets back! Not sure my finances can wait though!

26 April 2007 12.52pm

Clive Kippers
Well of course he wasn't there, he's been at your cafe all day downloading endless copies of his single on my laptop, in case you hadn't noticed!!

Cashflow problems

Got a few cashflow problems at the moment, I was just wondering if anyone had any ideas how I could get some more customers into my cafe? I'll tell you all the ideas I've had so far: getting the place redecorated, putting a sweet cuddly gerbil in the window, putting a parrot in the cafe, winning a national cookery competition, taking on Des and Mick as lollipop ladies to direct kids into the cafe, holding a raffle, hypnotising my customers, opening a disco in the cafe, getting Des and Mick to make me a television advert, opening a gym in the cafe, launching my own shopping channel, creating an alfresco section, putting a television in the cafe and holding my own game show in the cafe.

(If you are also a cafe proprieter who is experiencing similar cashflow problems, please see if you need further details on any of these excellent ideas guaranteed to increase custom in your cafe).

Wait…I've got it! I don't know why I never thought of it before! My greatest plan yet! I'd better go and see Mike the Manic Mechanic in the morning! Oi, I'm not telling what it is, I don't want you stealing my ideas!!

25 April 2007 6.57pm

About me

Greetings one and all! My name is Mrs Greasy, and, as you are no doubt aware, I run the award-winning Mrs Greasy's Cafe, in Tolworth, Surrey. With my new blog I am hoping to spread the word about my cafe, and increase customer numbers which, to be honest, at the present time are slightly less high than I would like.

Anyway, for a quality selection of meals all cooked by my own fair hands, at surprisingly competitive prices, look no further than Mrs Greasy's Cafe! Please note that when you do arrive at my cafe, the chances are that Des and Mick will be there, and they'll probably be moaning like usual, so best to just ignore them.



Village People

Can't Cook Won't Cook

I've been lucky enough to have met all of my heroes! Yes, Mrs Greasy's Cafe has been patronised by some of Britain's best known celebrities! For example:

Yes, none other than James Bond himself, Shaun Connery!

The country's top celebrity chef, Jamie Oliver!

And Scotland's number one pop duo, yes, The Proclaimers!

Be like them - and enjoy a quality meal today at Mrs Greasy's Cafe!

Wayne Coach
allo mrs g its yer old mate wayne here
Des Wednesday
Since when has your cafe been 'award-winning'???????
Clive Kippers
Winner of the world's worst cafe award, obviously.

Incidentally, Mrs Greasy, it's SEAN Connery.

Des Wednesday
And weren't 'The Proclaimers' actually me and Mick in disguise???
Clive Kippers
Not only that, she hates Jamie Oliver!!
Mike the Manic Mechanic
I bet Mrs G loves the way you two are picking holes in every part of her profile!!!