Time for some fake news. Today I had a really delicious plate of fish and chips at Mrs Greasy's cafe, and she charged me an incredibly reasonable price for it! Last night I had a really fun time at Dickie's disco, then I went home and enjoyed another hilarious edition of Newsnight! Now I'm going to go and listen to my Simply Red records, as I find their music so exhilarating!
24 March 2017 4.19pm
What a terrible year 2016 has been, all those famous people that have died, then that dreadful Trump fellow won the in/out referendum, and worst of all, Mrs Greasy's cafe is still open! Roll on 1977!!
31 December 2016 3.28pm
I've come up Trumps!
Great news, I've just voted for Trump in the election! I was a little confused, as I thought he'd run away with the circus. Or was that Nellie the Elephant? Or did they go together?
10 November 2016 2.50pm
No, don't be misled, I haven't got any news about MY cabinet, although please feel free to enquire if you are interested.
Anyway, I've just heard that incoming prime minister James May has appointed Richard Hammond as chancellor. This begs the obvious question - where does that leave William Woollard?
13 July 2016 7.24pm
Now the referendum's over and the news has gone really quiet again, I've decided to lobby the government about having another referendum, this time about whether we should remain in Mrs Greasy's cafe!
It's time we all stopped wasting all our money on that organisation and freed ourselves from the tyranny of Mrs Greasy!!
24 June 2016 3.39pm
With all the recent controversies about offshore accounts, I feel it is time for me to come clean and admit that I am guilty of the same thing. Back in 1973, I lost a five pence piece in the sand on Shanklin beach. Assuming it's still there, presumably this is something I should be informing the tax people about?
8 Apr 2016 4.35pm
Am I the only one...
...who isn't being replaced by Chris Evans?
24 Jun 2015, 3:26pm
Greetings from Belfast!!
It's the last day of my holidays, and just now, while I was watching Bargain Hunt in my hotel room, I accidentally leant on the remote control and discovered something called 'Ceefax'!! It's absolutely fantastic!! It's a bit like the internet, only better! It has all the weather and news and stuff, and it's all shown in a futuristic, computer-style layout!
When I get home I think I'm going to be watching Ceefax quite a lot from now on!!
23 Oct 2012, 12:50pm
Olympic Relay Race
I don't understand this, why on earth do they need to carry a torch when it's broad daylight??
19 May 2012 7.06pm
Mrs Greasy is not a "fit and proper" person to hold a cafe licence, a committee of MPs has concluded today. They also said that Mrs Greasy displayed "wilful ignorance" about how to cook food properly and "turned a blind ear to what was going on in her cafe" as regards protests from her customers complaining about her rotten cooking.
1 May 2012 4.53pm
I'm hacked off!!
Why am I the only person whose phone hasn't been hacked?
9 July 2011 4.24pm
Top of the Pops!
I've just noticed they've brought back Top of the Pops!!! I watched it last night and there was Mud, Cliff Richard, Thin Lizzy, Dolly Parton, Tony Blackburn and The Rolling Stones.
I didn't enjoy it much, I don't like all that modern music. I'd much rather it went back to what it was like in 1976.
14 June 2011 2.15pm
Today I have announced that, as part of a series of spending cuts, I shall no longer be spending any money at Mrs Greasy's cafe or Dickie the Vicar's discos.
The changes take place with immediate effect.
20 October 2010 6.24pm
The Ed Miller Band to lead the Labour Party!
I've just heard that apparently The Ed Miller Band have been elected leaders of the Labour party! I don't understand this, I didn't think it was allowed for pop groups to be voted the leaders of political parties! I've never even heard of them! Anyone got any of their records?
25 September 2010 6.04pm
What's the Pope's favourite television programme?
'Top of the Popes'.
What's the Pope's favourite kind of music?
What's the Pope's favourite kind of drink?
What's the Pope's favourite novelty song?
'Pope Goes the Weasel'.
What does the Pope eat when he goes to the cinema?
What does the Pope say to Mrs Pope when he's going down the shops?
"I'm just pope-ing down to the shops".
17 September 2010 12.16pm
Last of the Summer Wine axed!!!!!!!
I can't believe they've got rid of Last of the Summer Wine!! I mean, they hardly gave it a chance, have they?! How can a show like this ever expect to build up an audience when it gets taken off air just when it gets going?!?!?
30 August 2010 1.08pm
WHo's going up onto the spare plinth in Trafalgar Square then?
I've decided to go up there dressed as former Radio 1 DJ Paul Burnett.
10 July 2009 2.34pm
Eurovision in two weeks time!!!
But it's not going to be any good this year because good old Tony Wogan has been forced to stand down as apparently it's not allowed for an Irishman to commentate for Great Britain, and instead he's going to be replaced with the rubbish Graham Norton!! Eurovision is ruined!!!!
2 May 2009 11.11am
I've got a brilliant idea to save the economy!!!
Why don't they just print more money? I bet no one's thought of that!!!!
11 April 2009 8.08pm
G 20 summit
Anyone go to the G-20 summit today? I did, it was great!
2 April 2009 6.51pm
WORLD EXCLUSIVE!!! Identity of new Doctor revealed!!
I've got the scoop!! I know who the new Doctor is!!
I overheard some people talking in the post office queue this morning, apparently the new Doctor is going to be a Dr Ian Ferguson. He takes over on Monday morning, which seems rather short notice to me!!
21 November 2008 12.14pm
OFFICIAL!! Doctor Who star stands down!!!
It's true, I've just heard it on the news! Doctor Who star Russell Brand has announced his resignation!! What a bombshell!! Russell is my third favourite Doctor of all time, after Sylvester McCoy and Timmy Mallett!!
30 October 2008 6.07pm
Clive Kippers is NOT James Bond
Just to clear up any confusion, in case anyone was wondering, I would like to be able to confirm that, despite reports to the contrary, my next-door neighbour, a certain Mr Clive Kippers, is definitely NOT going to be the next James Bond!
19 September 2007 7.10pm
Now that the prime minister's stepping down, they've got to find a replacement for him, obviously! So who are you going to vote for? There's no obvious candidate for the job as far as I can see, so I've been thinking about it VERY carefully, weighing up all the options, and I've come to the decision that the best candidate has to be Gordon! It would be so exciting to see him rise to the very top, especially after he got cast aside by Phillip Schofield all those years ago! Everyone vote Gordon!!
26 June 2007 3.07pm
Have I got this right? Apparently I've heard that from 1st July, they're bringing in a Smokie ban!
This is outrageous, I've got loads of Smokie records, in fact 'Living Next Door to Alice' is number 27 in my Top 28 records of all time! And now they're saying that if I want to listen to Smokie I've got to do it outside! How bizarre! What if your neighbours aren't Smokie fans and shout at you for listening to your Smokie records in the garden? I know it's hard to believe, but some people actually don't like them!
I think what I'll do to protest against this is to set up one of those interweb petition things, I've heard they often make a big difference to things.
17 June 2007 1.05pm
You think you've got it bad...
You didn't have to spend the whole night travelling up the M1 in a life-size replica of your own house!! Don't believe me? Oh, it was only another of Mrs Greasy's stupid schemes. Read about here: www.desandmick.co.uk/chronicles/volumes/27/2/
4 June 2007 2.36pm
Now I'm confused! I put the telly on to watch my current favourite programme, The National Lottery People's Quiz, and instead there was another Eurovision Song Contest on!!!
This time, we were in it, but we still didn't win, not even with a quality song like that! I reckon it's because the rest of Europe hates us. I'm telling the BBC, if you want to win again, bring me back! After the huge success I had last time we can't fail! I'll even enter the Eurovision for kids if they want!! Just give me a bit of make-up and no one will ever know! Go on, please!!
13 May 2007 2.34pm
Anyone see the Eurovision Song Contest last night? I couldn't quite figure out who actually won though, anyone know? And where was Terry Wigon? And why weren't we in it? Couldn't find anyone to sing for us this year? I'll represent us again if there's no one else available! I remember when it used to be on Saturday nights, it was a lot better then, why did they move it to Thursday? It's not the like the old days, you know.
11 May 2007 10.33am
Well that was a bolt from the blue wasn't it? I certainly didn't see that coming! I'm genuinely shocked by the news that Mr Blair's going to step down, I really don't think 'Give Us a Clue' will be the same without him!
10 May 2007 4.15pm
It's the Eurovision Song Contest in a few days, woo hoo!!! Bet you don't remember when I represented us at Eurovision about ten years ago! Forget Jemini, I was the first to get nil points for the UK!! But for some reason I've been airbrushed out of history... Anyway, there's a story that tells you all about it here: www.desandmick.co.uk/chronicles/volumes/13/5/
7 May 2007 1.17pm
St George's Day
I've just heard on the television that it's St George's Day! I don't understand why people don't celebrate it, in fact for some reason every time I bring up the subject of celebrating St George's Day everyone else goes quiet and then they quickly change the subject. I can't understand it, last time we did it, six years ago tomorrow (where have the years gone??) when we re-enacted the George and the Dragon story it was a huge success (apart from when we got arrested). Anyway, strangely, because nothing much really happened on that day, there's a story you can read about it as well: www.desandmick.co.uk/chronicles/volumes/19/6/
Anyway, really got to go this time, otherwise Dickie the Vicar's going to come calling on me!!
23 April 2007 7.21pm
Hello, my name's Des Wednesday, I'm quite an ordinary person really, not much happens to me really.
I live next door to a quite boring person called Mick on one side, and very annoying person called Clive on the other. I also live near a idiot window cleaner called Wayne, a useless cook called Mrs Greasy who can't cook but still insists on running a cafe even though no one ever goes there, a strange pig farmer called Farmer Files who says "Ooooh arrrr" all the time, a mechanic called Mike the Manic Mechanic and a vicar called Dickie the Vicar who still insists on holding charity discos even though no one ever goes to them.
So as you can see I never get much peace, but if you want to find out more about us someone has set up one of those interweb site thingeys here: www.desandmick.co.uk
Abba, A Tribe of Toffs, Kajagoogoo, Chicory Tipp, Barry Manilow, Black Lace, Joe Dolce Music Theatre
Tweenies, Balamory, National Lottery In It To Win It, Dooby Duck's Disco Bus, Bobby Davro - Public Enemy No 1